Now, after four long years in higher education, I realize that he was right. I should have dropped the journalism pipe dream long before high school was over. In fact, I should have just ditched the whole college thing completely and pursued a more valuable career:
Stock photography modeling.
I’m telling you, those model homies don’t get near enough of the recognition that they deserve.
You might think that stock photography modeling sounds like the easiest thing in the world, but that’s what they used to say about abstract art and now it’s all high and mighty. It’s only a matter of time until stock modeling gets there, too.
All the traits required of a stock photography model are, coincidentally, all the things that make stock models so great.
1. White teeth
If you have ever set eyes on a stock model’s teeth, then you know how they shine like blazing chariots of glory. Their mouth must be a sweet refuge for the tooth fairy. Each tooth is huge and symmetrical. How do they do it? Do you think they get them whittled down to look like that?
I built a lot of character in the six months that I wore headgear, but I would trade it all in if I could be born with teeth like that.
2. Great personality
Stock models are the zest of life; they’re always up to something different. Think about it. Whenever you see them, they’re either living it up with their picture-perfect squad or having the time of their life looking at their smartphone.
They’re blank slates, always ready for the next adventure. As a stock model, you always have to be ready for something new. They have to model a photo for practically every Google search in existence, so versatility is not a foreign concept. If anyone knows how to spice things up, it’s a stock model for sure.
3. Soft hands
I never knew I could be so self-conscious about my hands until I laid eyes on a stock model’s. If you ever want to see a condemning contrast, just look for a stock photo of some hands and try to imitate it. Ten times out of ten, your attempt will look like you have catcher’s mitts for hands instead. On the contrary, stock models are au naturale—no hangnails, no nail polish, no reminder notes written on their palms. Just pure, five-fingered beauty. Their daily lotion regimen must be serious business.
4. A sense of humor
Stock models have their fair share of fun, I just know it. Sometimes you’re searching for a picture of a banana and then you come upon something like this:
Seriously?! You stock model silly gooses. There’s never a dull day with you guys. Or, there are other times when you come upon photos like this one:
At first glance, you might roll your eyes at the stupidity of stock photography. Why the heck is this girl wearing virtual reality goggles on a bike? How can she see? What kind of bimbo thought this was a good idea?
I disagree. I think they purposefully share photos like this to throw us off their tracks. While we’re busy rolling our eyes, they’re laughing at us uneducated slobs. They’re just like Kim Kardashian; if we knew all their secrets to success, then we’d all be rich and famous.
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If I was a gambling woman, I’d bet that a stock model would be the one to bring you McDonald’s when you’re craving it long past midnight. If you have a friend like that already, hold them tight and never let go. If you don’t, then now’s the time to find yourself a stock model.
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