Dear Buzzfeed:

If Buzzfeed was a person, I would send them one of those packages in the mail that explodes with glitter when you open it.

On second thought, no I wouldn’t. As much as that would suck to clean up, you have to admit, it would be just a little awesome. Getting mail is always great. Unless there’s arsenic in it.

Once upon a time, in the land of flip phones and that weird dialup noise, good writing was commonplace. Investigative journalism took the main stage, and we didn’t have to worry about websites like Buzzfeed.

I’ve had a hearty chuckle at a Buzzfeed post here and there, but it’s become a bit monotonous lately.

This might be hard for you to accept, and that’s okay. Sometimes you have to choose your battles. And in this battle, I definitely wouldn’t fight on Buzzfeed’s side. Mostly because their battle cry would probably be something like, “IT’S LIT!”

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Have a taste of what a typical Buzzfeed article is like. (Warning: it tastes like Flintstones vitamins.)

THE ANATOMY OF A BUZZFEED LINK

The #TotallyRelatable Post

Welcome to this article! You probably got lassoed in here via a #TotallyRelatable headline like “38 Things You Did in Elementary School That You’ve Completely Forgotten About” or “12 Weird Things You Do If You’ve Been Best Friends Forever.”

(Critical point: having a number in the title is crucial. It doesn’t matter which number—there just has to be one. If I can’t measure the length of your article by a numbered list, then I won’t give it the time of day.)

Now for the good stuff:

1. Here’s a photo from Google.

Here’s a pointless explanation of exactly what’s happening in the photo, just in case you actually felt like reading.

2. Here’s a hilarious gif from Google.

There’s always a 50 percent chance it’ll be of Michael Scott.

3. Here’s another photo from Google.

Speaking of Beyonce...

4. In case you weren’t sick of them already, here’s another photo from Google.

Ten points to Gryffindor if you have a grammatical error in one of your captions.

That concludes this #TotallyRelatable post. Now Buzzfeed hypnotizes you or feeds you some special elixir so that you share it to the growing trash heap that is my Facebook newsfeed.

The Classic Buzzfeed Quiz

Welcome to this quiz! This time, you probably got lured in by a title like “Build the Perfect Taco Dinner and We’ll Reveal Your Best Trait” or “Can You Get 14/14 on This ‘Lion King’ Quiz?” Ah, the mystery and intrigue. Buzzfeed, you always leave us wanting more. 

1. NINE whole pictures from Google. Wow.

2. Some question involving pizza. There’s always a question that involves pizza.

And…drumroll please…your results! They’re #TotallyRelatable, of course. Cue the Buzzfeed magic elixir and voila! Another Buzzfeed link has found its home in my newsfeed.

__________

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Like all of my hilarious blog posts. Maybe one day, if we’re lucky, Buzzfeed will too.