God Bless America

The most American photo I could find on my laptop. Thanks, dad.

This may be the most political I’ve ever been on the Internet, so tread lightly. Quick poll for ya:

Which of these is the greatest nation in the world?
A. The United States
B. England
C. China
D. Texas

The correct answer I’m looking for is A, the great U.S. of A. We’re home to countless visionaries like Bruce Springsteen and Nickelback, so it’s pretty obvious that we have the right players on our side.

You could argue the same for England, since they’re led by an old lady that can pull off lime green suits. I’ll hand you a close second.

China manufactures virtually everything on the planet, but they’re lacking a certain je ne sais quoi that being the greatest nation on Earth requires.

Texas … well, that was a trick answer. Texas isn’t a nation. I don’t think that anyone loves Texas except for Texans. But in the “Don’t Mess With Texas” spirit, we’ll keep moving right along.

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s which country I know is at the bottom of the list: Switzerland. Whenever I hear someone ragging on the U.S., it’s because they’re usually talking about how great Switzerland is in comparison. They’re all about the effectiveness of Swiss banks or the Swiss education system or Swiss jails.

Let me be the first to say that Switzerland isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I could make up a million reasons why Switzerland is the scum of this earth, but you’ve all probably had enough of my rants by now. In the spirit of Buzzfeed (true journalism), I’ll give you a brief list.

• The Swiss flag. Who won in this edition of Who Wore It Best? The Red Cross, obviously.
• Swiss army knives. How the inventor probably thought of this: “Hm, how can I make the pocket knife better? Maybe I’ll add toenail clippers.”
• The Swiss Alps. Remember how the von Trapp family escaped to the Swiss Alps in The Sound of Music? That must’ve been a rude awakening. These hills are not alive with the sound of music.

My advice? Switzerland should take a hint from their Nordic cousin, Sweden.

As far as peacekeeping countries go, they have waaay more street cred. If you search Sweden on Google, the first result is accompanied by a description that reads, “Sun-kissed daffodils and snow on window sills.” I’m not sure if that line is amazing or incredibly irritating, but it’s gotta be better than anything Switzerland has come up with.

Sweden also has more Facebook likes. Take that for what you will.

It’s okay, though, Switzerland. We can’t all be a Sweden, much less a United States of America. That’s like trying to be a Regina George when we all know that you’re really just a Gretchen Wieners.