Your Biggest Waste of Time

Have you ever experienced a piece of art that shook you to your core? I'm talking about art that, when you look at it, impacted you profoundly because you could relate so deeply. You walked away a changed person. Your whole outlook on life was completely new.

That's how I felt after I read this article on bay leaves.

Bay leaves are the—excuse my french—bull-hooey of all culinary seasonings. Basil leaves I can get behind. Oregano, parsley, and cilantro? I get it. But bay leaves?! If "seasonings" were seasons, bay leaves would be the dead of winter. Actually, they would be hibernation.

Like my roommates, some of you might not even know what a bay leaf is. If you were to turn to Wikipedia for some enlightenment, you would find it states, "Bay leaf (plural bay leaves) refers to the aromatic leaves of several plants used in cooking." Spare yourself and read no further.

I'll break it down into some simpler, not-so-biased* terms: BAY LEAVES ARE BULL-HOOEY! Bay leaves are stale brown plants that you drop in your stew or your pot roast or what have you to add a little flavor. (Ha. I just said "bay leaves" and "flavor" in the same sentence.)

Alas, I can't just go around spewing my opinion on bay leaves willy-nilly here. This blog was created so I could look at things with a critical (but mostly satirical) point of view. Yes, I hate bay leaves. But why?

I decided to talk to my dad about this. He's a restaurateur and a head chef, but most of all, he was really good at toasting Pop-Tarts just right when I was a little kid.

I said, "Dad, have you ever cooked with bay leaves before?" 

He said,** "No. I haven't. Bay leaves are a disgrace to the dining experience."

There you have it, folks. The culmination of my extensive research on the uselessness of bay leaves. Here are just a few other reasons why I think they're a waste of time:

1. If you abbreviate bay leaves as "BL," that's just one letter away from the abbreviation for bowel movement. Coincidence? I think not.***
2. If you try to feed an infant a bay leaf, they'll just make a face and say "blegh" or "mama," which are both baby-talk for, "Don't you have something better to feed me?" Out of the mouths of babes, I tell ya.
3. One time, the fortune on my Dove chocolate wrapper read, "Are you a bay leaf connoisseur? If you are, find something better to do with your life."

Alas, that's all I have to say about this subject. Thanks for hanging in there. Feel free to chime in on the topic—but if I'm being honest, I've already spent more time thinking about bay leaves than I had planned to for my entire life.

Love bay leaves? Have some great leafy recipes? Feel free to share those, too.****

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*These are definitely biased.

**He definitely didn't say this.

***Definitely just a coincidence.

****Just kidding. Keep those to yourself.