The Problem with Millennials

"Ugh, Millennials" by Jenna Qualsett Photography

If you’re reading this, then you’re either a) a millennial yourself, or b) you’re a non-millennial that hates millennials. It’s definitely one or the other because—like my mom would say when I was little and asked “Why?” one too many times—that’s just the way it is.

But really, I don’t understand why everyone gives us millennials such a hard time. We pretty much have the world eating out of the palm of our hands. We dictate business trends and invent genius couple names like Brangelina.

As great as millennials are, though, I will admit that we have our vices. They mostly include standing in front of the mirror for too long and eating Chipotle too often.

That’s why I’m here. One millennial speaking to another, peer-to-peer. I’ve been through the millennial trenches and I have some sage wisdom for you 19 to 35-year-olds from near and far. Let’s get crackin’.

Stop taking pictures of your food.

Ha, just kidding—that’s crazy talk. I’m not asking you to do something insane like put down your phone while you’re eating out with friends. Ew. “Disconnect to reconnect?” Who are you, my great-grandmother? If this whole ‘evolution’ hoo-ha is right, then my phone will be fused to my right hand by 2020. Let’s find some more realistic advice.

Don’t let people call you entitled.

If people do call you that, they’re probably just Baby Boomers and/or jealous of your glistening, unwrinkled skin. (Kind of like that guy from Silence of the Lambs. Okay wait, forget I said that.) As respectfully as you can, remind them that you’re not entitled, per say—you’re just privileged. Privileged to be a part of the most remarkable generation of all time, that is.

Don’t let people call you a millennial either. Ugh, that word is so pre-Internet era. At the very least, encourage them to say “mllnnl,” because vowels are a waste of time.

Stop trying to do everything.

Make more time for yourself instead. Watch more Netflix, for goodness' sake! We all know you need it. Any normal person needs some rest after a long day of texting, eating Doritos, and not raising kids. Don’t let yourself be the exception.

Here are my tips:

• Instead of nine different things, try being really good at just one thing. My thing is buying stuff from clearance racks that I don’t really need. I’m pretty much a pro at that. Try finding one skill of your own to master.
• Forget work-life balance. Try 20 percent work and 80 percent rest. It all adds up in the end, so you’re giving 100% all the time.

Use your power for good.

Today’s world is completely polarized. No one can agree on a single definition for “feminist,” much less decide whether or not this dress is black and blue or white and gold. But when we band together, the sum becomes greater than its parts. The same goes for oatmeal and cream pies.

Millennials are the future. We have the power to affect change. Let’s make that happen by doing good, not evil. Like making memes. The world needs more memes. And clickbait videos.

Stop wishing. Start adulting.

Buzzfeed (and any other website with online quizzes) basically prey on our nostalgia for being 90s kids. I’m 95 percent sure you’ve had a mental conversation while on Facebook that goes something like this:

OMG. 35 things only 90s kids remember?! OMG. I totally remember all of these things. OMG. I am such a 90s kid.

I hate to break it to ya, folks, but it’s time for us to leave behind the glory days of Pokémon cards and Easy Bake Ovens and to finally embrace the joys of adulting. That means we have to start waking up before 2 p.m. and paying for our own Netflix accounts. I know it’s hard, but you have to grow up some time, right?