David and the Social Media Goliath

Photo by John Ficenec.
Doodles by Claire Shinn. 

The opinions expressed in this blog post are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of my employer.

You know why? Because every employer and their grandma is on LinkedIn nowadays.

If you’re an avid user of LinkedIn and/or clicked on this article from the post on my LinkedIn profile, you’ve been warned. It’s about to get ugly.

I’m toeing the line yet again, and this stance might be my most unpopular one yet. In this day and age of resistance and free expression, though, I’m learning to show my true colors in spite of the haters.

So here it is, folks: LinkedIn stinks. If social media had a family tree, LinkedIn would be the overbearing mom that acts like she has it all together and honks at everyone that’s taking too long in the carpool lane. Facebook would be the wise grandfather, Instagram the favorite child. Twitter’s the cool aunt. FarmersOnly is the drunk uncle.

Okay, enough jokes for now. Allow me to explain myself and my deep cynicism toward this social network. I’ve broken down my pessimism into the three stages of having a LinkedIn—enjoy. (Or go back to perfecting your business professional headshot.)

PHASE 1 - Creating Your LinkedIn
I created my LinkedIn account for a class project. Now I’m going to go out on a limb and say (from experience) that any social media account that a teacher makes you create is bound to flop once the semester is over.

Don’t get me wrong—I love educators. They lay the foundation for our future and they deserve way more recognition than they currently get and maybe I’m just writing all of this because my professor has to read it, but sometimes they’re a little bit like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls: well-meaning and funny but trying just a little too hard to be the cool mom.

All this to say: if you’re creating a LinkedIn profile for reasons of your own, get ready for your #hip, #young, and #cool aesthetic to be seriously cramped. Unless you have a six-digit salary (because people with six-digit salaries can do whatever the flip they want), that funny baby picture or viral video where YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENS AT 0:30 have no place here. Where's the fun in that?

PHASE 2 - Maintaining Your LinkedIn
“You’re in it for the long haul,” they say. “LinkedIn isn’t going anywhere,” they say. So you hunker down and prepare for the long road ahead.

Keeping up on LinkedIn is a long and winding road, dabbled with “Congrats on the new role!” messages and LinkedIn spam in your email inbox. Every once in a while, you stop to add your brother’s friend’s aunt’s boyfriend that you met once at a job fair. Who knows, maybe that connection will come in handy at some other point down the road. Maybe not. Geez louise.

PHASE 3 - Living with LinkedIn
This blog is about the little things in life. The Oxford comma, bay leaves, and the like. LinkedIn used to be a small thing, too—but now it's becoming a big one.

With over 400 million users worldwide, I am but a mere David compared to the LinkedIn Goliath. For now, I have to learn how to live with LinkedIn and you do, too. But David prevailed long ago, so I’ll fervently hold my stance on this Facebook wannabe until the fall of LinkedIn arrives.

But also, who knows? LinkedIn might prove me wrong. If (emphasis on "if") that day comes, I will happily eat my words off a silver platter with a napkin tucked into my collar. Like acne, hopelessly defying my parents, and Justin Timberlake’s frosted tips, maybe hating LinkedIn is just a phase.