A Love Note to the Oxford Comma

I’ll start off with an apology. Last week’s post got a little out of hand—sorry about that. Sometimes you feel so passionately about something that it bubbles up and spills over. For you, maybe that means talking about politics. For me, it’s talking about bay leaves.

Anyway…

It’s time for me to address the elephant in the room: love. Our favorite sitcom characters won’t stop bringing the stinkin’ thing up and Jason Derulo won’t stop auto-tuning it and then there’s the cherry on top—Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.

Well, lemme tell ya, if Valentine’s Day was a batting average, my record would be abysmal. Of the 21 Valentine’s Days I’ve been alive for, I’ve spent 19 alone. Of the two remaining, I spent one at a Chinese buffet. There was a raw egg cracked on the countertop.

Thus, I will be spending this Valentine’s Day (and many of those in the foreseeable future) as single as a Pringle (if Pringles could be single). My friends tell me it’s because I’m an independent person, but I think it’s really because I do weird things like write about bay leaves and eat Cheez Whiz on celery.

BUT if you think that’s deterring me from having a great holiday, then you’re sorely mistaken. In fact, I’m writing a valentine this very moment. It’s to the Oxford comma.

Why the Oxford comma? Let me explain.

I’m passionate about three things and three things only: puppies, Proust, and punctuation. I could write a love note to puppies, but that’s too easy. I actually know nothing about Proust; I just needed a third word to complete that alliteration. But punctuation has really got it goin’ on—in particular, the Oxford comma.

The Oxford comma is my second favorite punctuation mark, only to be outdone by the em dash, which I use incessantly. The em dash is the single most versatile form of punctuation, but I’ll rant about that another day.

If you’re not a grammar nerd, then just humor me for a second. For ages, writers and institutions have debated the use of the Oxford comma. The Modern Language Association loves it; the AP Stylebook shuns it. So far, the only solution to this is to make it optional, but that simply won’t do. I took a risky stance last week, so I’ll do the same again today.

I love the Oxford comma. I love it.

A lot of miscommunication can be avoided by just using the Oxford flippin’ comma. Simply put, it keeps us out of trouble. Take these examples.

1. We invited the rhinoceroses, Washington and Lincoln.

Do not make this mistake.

Know Your Meme

2. I love eating, children and dogs.

Okay, that is just plain wrong. Even this dog knows it.

Wikimedia Commons

3. My heroes are my parents, Superman and Wonder Woman.

THIS IS A LIE. Your parents probably look more like this.

Flickr

Alas, after a very big tangent about a very little symbol, I present to you what I promised from the very beginning: a love note to the Oxford comma.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

When I’m making a list,

I will always choose you.