My Love-Hate Relationship With Floss

Flossing is bizarre.

What weirdo in the old-teenth century studied dentistry and said, “You know what would solve all of our problems with gums? Scraping them with a string.”

But somehow, it caught on. It got so trendy that apparently now we’re supposed to do it every day. But does anyone ever really floss that much?

Flossing is a pretty polarizing subject; either you love it or you hate it. I’m here to help us all find some middle ground. Flossing does suck—but maybe it’s not as bad as it seems.

Can’t live with it:
You’re supposed to floss once a day? Are you kidding me? There are hardly enough hours in the day for me to do work and school and extracurriculars and a social life, much less floss. I already have to brush my teeth twice a day—do you think I’m made of time? Adding a flossing routine on top of that makes getting ready for bed its own production.

Alas, we enter the paradox of flossing. Rated PG-13. Please excuse the thematic elements. 

If you barely ever floss, then when you finally do, your gums bleed. When your gums bleed, you don’t want to floss. Rinse and repeat.

Of course, my dentist tells me this all could be solved just by flossing on a regular basis. That’s easier said than done. Especially when you have a permanent retainer. With a wire glued to the back of your teeth, flossing is like doing a meticulous needlepoint project in your pie hole. 

It’s time-consuming, it’s grim, and it’s complicated. Most of the times, it seems like flossing causes more problems than it solves.

Can’t live without it:
If you’re from Nebraska like me, then there is no chance that you haven’t had corn on the cob before. Absolutely no chance. We aren’t called the Cornhuskers for nothin’.

And if you’ve ever had the pleasure of tasting a cob of sweet, buttery deliciousness, then you’ve also experienced this: getting corn stuck in between your teeth.

Somehow those li’l kernels lodge themselves deep in between your pearly whites. They become a part of you, like your personality quirks or that Hot Topic phase you went through in middle school.

You can solve this in one of three ways:

1. Try picking it out with your finger. You know how gross cats look when they lick their butts? Yeah, you’re getting there. I’m not sure if there are etiquette rules for shoving your hand in your mouth while still at the table, but there has to be something.
2. Try getting it out with a toothpick. Unless you have the aim of an Olympic-trained archer, this will probably not end well. If you don’t hit X marks the kernel with your toothpick the first time, then your gums are going to end up looking like a bunch of bloody Swiss cheese.
3. FLOSS, GLORIOUS FLOSS. Skip the hassle and go straight for number three—trust me. 

Other than breaking in to a fresh jar of peanut butter, there are few pleasures in life as satisfying as getting a corn kernel out of your teeth. I feel like a new woman. My teeth feel fresh and clean and divided. There’s nothing like it.

For as much as I mope and moan about having to floss, it really is great sometimes. But not all the time. For now, I’ll gladly stick to my once-a-month flossing regimen. Sorry, Doc.

The Chosen Few

Back when I was approaching high school graduation, I told my math teacher that I wanted to study journalism in college. He told me that was a waste of time.

Now, after four long years in higher education, I realize that he was right. I should have dropped the journalism pipe dream long before high school was over. In fact, I should have just ditched the whole college thing completely and pursued a more valuable career:

Stock photography modeling.

I’m telling you, those model homies don’t get near enough of the recognition that they deserve. 

You might think that stock photography modeling sounds like the easiest thing in the world, but that’s what they used to say about abstract art and now it’s all high and mighty. It’s only a matter of time until stock modeling gets there, too.

All the traits required of a stock photography model are, coincidentally, all the things that make stock models so great.

1. White teeth
If you have ever set eyes on a stock model’s teeth, then you know how they shine like blazing chariots of glory. Their mouth must be a sweet refuge for the tooth fairy. Each tooth is huge and symmetrical. How do they do it? Do you think they get them whittled down to look like that?

I built a lot of character in the six months that I wore headgear, but I would trade it all in if I could be born with teeth like that.

2. Great personality
Stock models are the zest of life; they’re always up to something different. Think about it. Whenever you see them, they’re either living it up with their picture-perfect squad or having the time of their life looking at their smartphone. 

They’re blank slates, always ready for the next adventure. As a stock model, you always have to be ready for something new. They have to model a photo for practically every Google search in existence, so versatility is not a foreign concept. If anyone knows how to spice things up, it’s a stock model for sure.

3. Soft hands
I never knew I could be so self-conscious about my hands until I laid eyes on a stock model’s. If you ever want to see a condemning contrast, just look for a stock photo of some hands and try to imitate it. Ten times out of ten, your attempt will look like you have catcher’s mitts for hands instead. On the contrary, stock models are au naturale—no hangnails, no nail polish, no reminder notes written on their palms. Just pure, five-fingered beauty. Their daily lotion regimen must be serious business. 

4. A sense of humor
Stock models have their fair share of fun, I just know it. Sometimes you’re searching for a picture of a banana and then you come upon something like this:

Seriously?! You stock model silly gooses. There’s never a dull day with you guys. Or, there are other times when you come upon photos like this one:

At first glance, you might roll your eyes at the stupidity of stock photography. Why the heck is this girl wearing virtual reality goggles on a bike? How can she see? What kind of bimbo thought this was a good idea?

I disagree. I think they purposefully share photos like this to throw us off their tracks. While we’re busy rolling our eyes, they’re laughing at us uneducated slobs. They’re just like Kim Kardashian; if we knew all their secrets to success, then we’d all be rich and famous.
__________

If I was a gambling woman, I’d bet that a stock model would be the one to bring you McDonald’s when you’re craving it long past midnight. If you have a friend like that already, hold them tight and never let go. If you don’t, then now’s the time to find yourself a stock model.

Dear Buzzfeed:

If Buzzfeed was a person, I would send them one of those packages in the mail that explodes with glitter when you open it.

On second thought, no I wouldn’t. As much as that would suck to clean up, you have to admit, it would be just a little awesome. Getting mail is always great. Unless there’s arsenic in it.

Once upon a time, in the land of flip phones and that weird dialup noise, good writing was commonplace. Investigative journalism took the main stage, and we didn’t have to worry about websites like Buzzfeed.

I’ve had a hearty chuckle at a Buzzfeed post here and there, but it’s become a bit monotonous lately.

This might be hard for you to accept, and that’s okay. Sometimes you have to choose your battles. And in this battle, I definitely wouldn’t fight on Buzzfeed’s side. Mostly because their battle cry would probably be something like, “IT’S LIT!”

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Have a taste of what a typical Buzzfeed article is like. (Warning: it tastes like Flintstones vitamins.)

THE ANATOMY OF A BUZZFEED LINK

The #TotallyRelatable Post

Welcome to this article! You probably got lassoed in here via a #TotallyRelatable headline like “38 Things You Did in Elementary School That You’ve Completely Forgotten About” or “12 Weird Things You Do If You’ve Been Best Friends Forever.”

(Critical point: having a number in the title is crucial. It doesn’t matter which number—there just has to be one. If I can’t measure the length of your article by a numbered list, then I won’t give it the time of day.)

Now for the good stuff:

1. Here’s a photo from Google.

Here’s a pointless explanation of exactly what’s happening in the photo, just in case you actually felt like reading.

2. Here’s a hilarious gif from Google.

There’s always a 50 percent chance it’ll be of Michael Scott.

3. Here’s another photo from Google.

Speaking of Beyonce...

4. In case you weren’t sick of them already, here’s another photo from Google.

Ten points to Gryffindor if you have a grammatical error in one of your captions.

That concludes this #TotallyRelatable post. Now Buzzfeed hypnotizes you or feeds you some special elixir so that you share it to the growing trash heap that is my Facebook newsfeed.

The Classic Buzzfeed Quiz

Welcome to this quiz! This time, you probably got lured in by a title like “Build the Perfect Taco Dinner and We’ll Reveal Your Best Trait” or “Can You Get 14/14 on This ‘Lion King’ Quiz?” Ah, the mystery and intrigue. Buzzfeed, you always leave us wanting more. 

1. NINE whole pictures from Google. Wow.

2. Some question involving pizza. There’s always a question that involves pizza.

And…drumroll please…your results! They’re #TotallyRelatable, of course. Cue the Buzzfeed magic elixir and voila! Another Buzzfeed link has found its home in my newsfeed.

__________

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Like all of my hilarious blog posts. Maybe one day, if we’re lucky, Buzzfeed will too.

God Bless America

The most American photo I could find on my laptop. Thanks, dad.

This may be the most political I’ve ever been on the Internet, so tread lightly. Quick poll for ya:

Which of these is the greatest nation in the world?
A. The United States
B. England
C. China
D. Texas

The correct answer I’m looking for is A, the great U.S. of A. We’re home to countless visionaries like Bruce Springsteen and Nickelback, so it’s pretty obvious that we have the right players on our side.

You could argue the same for England, since they’re led by an old lady that can pull off lime green suits. I’ll hand you a close second.

China manufactures virtually everything on the planet, but they’re lacking a certain je ne sais quoi that being the greatest nation on Earth requires.

Texas … well, that was a trick answer. Texas isn’t a nation. I don’t think that anyone loves Texas except for Texans. But in the “Don’t Mess With Texas” spirit, we’ll keep moving right along.

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s which country I know is at the bottom of the list: Switzerland. Whenever I hear someone ragging on the U.S., it’s because they’re usually talking about how great Switzerland is in comparison. They’re all about the effectiveness of Swiss banks or the Swiss education system or Swiss jails.

Let me be the first to say that Switzerland isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I could make up a million reasons why Switzerland is the scum of this earth, but you’ve all probably had enough of my rants by now. In the spirit of Buzzfeed (true journalism), I’ll give you a brief list.

• The Swiss flag. Who won in this edition of Who Wore It Best? The Red Cross, obviously.
• Swiss army knives. How the inventor probably thought of this: “Hm, how can I make the pocket knife better? Maybe I’ll add toenail clippers.”
• The Swiss Alps. Remember how the von Trapp family escaped to the Swiss Alps in The Sound of Music? That must’ve been a rude awakening. These hills are not alive with the sound of music.

My advice? Switzerland should take a hint from their Nordic cousin, Sweden.

As far as peacekeeping countries go, they have waaay more street cred. If you search Sweden on Google, the first result is accompanied by a description that reads, “Sun-kissed daffodils and snow on window sills.” I’m not sure if that line is amazing or incredibly irritating, but it’s gotta be better than anything Switzerland has come up with.

Sweden also has more Facebook likes. Take that for what you will.

It’s okay, though, Switzerland. We can’t all be a Sweden, much less a United States of America. That’s like trying to be a Regina George when we all know that you’re really just a Gretchen Wieners.

Failing Like a Boss

Life’s a whirlwind. We all have our plates full trying to check things off our to-do lists and keep up with day-to-day responsibilities. Sometimes it’s hard to forgive yourself when you don’t live up to your own requirements.

Give yourself a break today.

You wanna know the best way to exercise a little self-forgiveness? By attempting a Pinterest craft. Nothing will remind you that you’re a mere, imperfect human being like your unsuccessful Pinterest project can.

Pinterest crafts are elaborate, eye-catching, and exquisite. They’re the reason why women are attracted to Pinterest. They’re also the reason why most men wouldn’t touch a “pin” button with a ten-foot pole. I can imagine my brother saying it now:

“Kids’ snacks shaped like animals? What a waste of time.”

My brother and I have a lot of differences. He’s brown-haired and brown-eyed; I’m blond and have blue eyes. He’s buff; I have a nagging suspicion that the only muscles I possess are in the fingers that I use to text. My brother writes off Pinterest crafts like expired applesauce; I approach them head-on with fervor and dedication.

Whether you’re more like my brother or more like me is no matter, though. You don’t have to know much about Pinterest to know about these so-called “Pinterest fails.” I’ll put it into context for both types of people, just to make sure we’re all on the same page.

Pinterest fails from my brother's view:

• Searches Pinterest to find a Christmas gift idea for grandma.
• Settles on a DIY rustic twig picture frame. Easy enough, right?
• Frame requires use of a hot glue gun. What 20-something dude owns a hot glue gun? Not this one. Finds superglue in the garage. Uses that instead.
• Follows directions (kind of). Cusses a lot when superglue gets on fingers.
• Gift ends up looking more like an armored beaver dam than a dainty photo frame.
• Buys grandma a bird feeder for Christmas instead.

Pinterest fails from my view:

• Searches Pinterest to find a baby shower gift for a friend.
• Settles on a collection of hand-sewn pieces of food made out of felt. This newborn child is really going appreciate the effort, I just know it.
• Starts crafting. Sewing machine needle breaks. Quarter-life crisis ensues.
• Stays up for 96 consecutive hours finishing the felt-salad before the baby shower.
• Shows up to the shower looking like the Bride of Frankenstein. Present shows up looking the same way.

Either way, we can all agree that Pinterest fails are annoying. But maybe what’s more annoying is the unrealistic standard that Pinterest holds us to. Sorry, but no normal person must possess the skill to bake a cake that’s a scale replica of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. We should all be allowed to live in peace with our mediocre baking skills.

The DIY crafts you see on Pinterest are, for lack of a better term, works of art. Pinterest is Michelangelo. We are Jackson Pollock. Maybe Salvador Dali at best. But next time you fail at Pinterest, fail proudly. It’s all art in someone’s eyes.

Rules of the Road

If you don’t live under a rock, there’s a 100 percent chance that you’ve been in a car. If you’re fortunate enough to have driven one, then the coming words may resonate with you.

To start off our time, here’s a brief resume of the long and arduous journey I have had with driving:

• I failed my first driver’s license test.
• Both of my car mirrors are attached by duct tape.
• Once, I locked my keys in my car while it was running. I biked to my parents’ house to get a spare. They didn’t have a spare.

I’m only 22, but I’m practically the Ghandi of all things driving-related. As a result of this sage wisdom, I have come to learn that the only true things in life are death and taxes and road rage.

Road rage is a universal truth; all of us have experienced it. There’s just something about getting behind the wheel that puts us on edge. If only we could just stick our heads out the window while we drive like dogs do.

As a self-proclaimed Guru of the Road, I’ve written a few mantras for you to live (and drive) by. They’re not as inspiring as the ones you find on Pinterest, but they’ll do.

Blink unto thee as you would have others blink unto you.

You don’t realize how annoying it is for someone to not use their blinker until you’re in the car behind someone that doesn’t. Sometimes, surprises can be a good thing. Not when you’re changing lanes.

Your brights are mightier than the sword.

Seriously. They’re super powerful. Like, they’re-actually-blinding-me-right-now powerful. If you’re alone on the road and want to light the entire western half of the United States, then be my guest. But when there’s another car your direction, give your lights a much-deserved break.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But keep your student drivers far, far away.

Don’t take this one too personally, student drivers. I feel your pain. The day I turned 16, my dad gave me the keys to his truck and told me to figure it out as I went. (No wonder I failed that first driver’s test.)

Don't do your makeup while you're driving.

This isn’t really a mantra, but it was just way too vital. I just had to get it out there. Once I was driving on a one-lane highway in the backroads of Florida behind a car with two girls inside. One girl was driving as slow as cold molasses and the other girl was doing the driver’s make up. What?! My car crawled along behind this chaos for upwards of a half hour. I’m telling you this story now so that you’ll never make the same mistake.

Parking speaks louder than words.

The way you park says a lot about your personality. If one day in an alternate universe I am blessed to have a boyfriend that is an exact replica of Ryan Gosling, but he can’t park in one space to save his life, he’s out. Ain’t no spark if you can’t park, honey. If you park on the line and fail to rethink your actions, then it might be time to reconsider your way of living.

Easy come, easy please just go. You have the right of way.

You know the feeling. It’s that moment when Car #2 (directly to your right) gives you the nod or the wave or the “go ahead” pointer finger. But you, the connoisseur of all roadside laws, know that Car #2 should be the first to go—so you give them the nod/wave/finger right back. The nod/wave/finger pattern repeats, and you both abruptly start and stop until someone decides it’s their time to go. Long story short: don’t be Car #2.

----------

These are just a few mantras in my laundry list of road rules to live by. Don’t even get me started on my mantras about four-way stops.

P.S. If someone knows the address of the person that created the four-way stop, let me know. I have a strongly-worded letter to send to them.

The Problem with Millennials

"Ugh, Millennials" by Jenna Qualsett Photography

If you’re reading this, then you’re either a) a millennial yourself, or b) you’re a non-millennial that hates millennials. It’s definitely one or the other because—like my mom would say when I was little and asked “Why?” one too many times—that’s just the way it is.

But really, I don’t understand why everyone gives us millennials such a hard time. We pretty much have the world eating out of the palm of our hands. We dictate business trends and invent genius couple names like Brangelina.

As great as millennials are, though, I will admit that we have our vices. They mostly include standing in front of the mirror for too long and eating Chipotle too often.

That’s why I’m here. One millennial speaking to another, peer-to-peer. I’ve been through the millennial trenches and I have some sage wisdom for you 19 to 35-year-olds from near and far. Let’s get crackin’.

Stop taking pictures of your food.

Ha, just kidding—that’s crazy talk. I’m not asking you to do something insane like put down your phone while you’re eating out with friends. Ew. “Disconnect to reconnect?” Who are you, my great-grandmother? If this whole ‘evolution’ hoo-ha is right, then my phone will be fused to my right hand by 2020. Let’s find some more realistic advice.

Don’t let people call you entitled.

If people do call you that, they’re probably just Baby Boomers and/or jealous of your glistening, unwrinkled skin. (Kind of like that guy from Silence of the Lambs. Okay wait, forget I said that.) As respectfully as you can, remind them that you’re not entitled, per say—you’re just privileged. Privileged to be a part of the most remarkable generation of all time, that is.

Don’t let people call you a millennial either. Ugh, that word is so pre-Internet era. At the very least, encourage them to say “mllnnl,” because vowels are a waste of time.

Stop trying to do everything.

Make more time for yourself instead. Watch more Netflix, for goodness' sake! We all know you need it. Any normal person needs some rest after a long day of texting, eating Doritos, and not raising kids. Don’t let yourself be the exception.

Here are my tips:

• Instead of nine different things, try being really good at just one thing. My thing is buying stuff from clearance racks that I don’t really need. I’m pretty much a pro at that. Try finding one skill of your own to master.
• Forget work-life balance. Try 20 percent work and 80 percent rest. It all adds up in the end, so you’re giving 100% all the time.

Use your power for good.

Today’s world is completely polarized. No one can agree on a single definition for “feminist,” much less decide whether or not this dress is black and blue or white and gold. But when we band together, the sum becomes greater than its parts. The same goes for oatmeal and cream pies.

Millennials are the future. We have the power to affect change. Let’s make that happen by doing good, not evil. Like making memes. The world needs more memes. And clickbait videos.

Stop wishing. Start adulting.

Buzzfeed (and any other website with online quizzes) basically prey on our nostalgia for being 90s kids. I’m 95 percent sure you’ve had a mental conversation while on Facebook that goes something like this:

OMG. 35 things only 90s kids remember?! OMG. I totally remember all of these things. OMG. I am such a 90s kid.

I hate to break it to ya, folks, but it’s time for us to leave behind the glory days of Pokémon cards and Easy Bake Ovens and to finally embrace the joys of adulting. That means we have to start waking up before 2 p.m. and paying for our own Netflix accounts. I know it’s hard, but you have to grow up some time, right?

David and the Social Media Goliath

Photo by John Ficenec.
Doodles by Claire Shinn. 

The opinions expressed in this blog post are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of my employer.

You know why? Because every employer and their grandma is on LinkedIn nowadays.

If you’re an avid user of LinkedIn and/or clicked on this article from the post on my LinkedIn profile, you’ve been warned. It’s about to get ugly.

I’m toeing the line yet again, and this stance might be my most unpopular one yet. In this day and age of resistance and free expression, though, I’m learning to show my true colors in spite of the haters.

So here it is, folks: LinkedIn stinks. If social media had a family tree, LinkedIn would be the overbearing mom that acts like she has it all together and honks at everyone that’s taking too long in the carpool lane. Facebook would be the wise grandfather, Instagram the favorite child. Twitter’s the cool aunt. FarmersOnly is the drunk uncle.

Okay, enough jokes for now. Allow me to explain myself and my deep cynicism toward this social network. I’ve broken down my pessimism into the three stages of having a LinkedIn—enjoy. (Or go back to perfecting your business professional headshot.)

PHASE 1 - Creating Your LinkedIn
I created my LinkedIn account for a class project. Now I’m going to go out on a limb and say (from experience) that any social media account that a teacher makes you create is bound to flop once the semester is over.

Don’t get me wrong—I love educators. They lay the foundation for our future and they deserve way more recognition than they currently get and maybe I’m just writing all of this because my professor has to read it, but sometimes they’re a little bit like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls: well-meaning and funny but trying just a little too hard to be the cool mom.

All this to say: if you’re creating a LinkedIn profile for reasons of your own, get ready for your #hip, #young, and #cool aesthetic to be seriously cramped. Unless you have a six-digit salary (because people with six-digit salaries can do whatever the flip they want), that funny baby picture or viral video where YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENS AT 0:30 have no place here. Where's the fun in that?

PHASE 2 - Maintaining Your LinkedIn
“You’re in it for the long haul,” they say. “LinkedIn isn’t going anywhere,” they say. So you hunker down and prepare for the long road ahead.

Keeping up on LinkedIn is a long and winding road, dabbled with “Congrats on the new role!” messages and LinkedIn spam in your email inbox. Every once in a while, you stop to add your brother’s friend’s aunt’s boyfriend that you met once at a job fair. Who knows, maybe that connection will come in handy at some other point down the road. Maybe not. Geez louise.

PHASE 3 - Living with LinkedIn
This blog is about the little things in life. The Oxford comma, bay leaves, and the like. LinkedIn used to be a small thing, too—but now it's becoming a big one.

With over 400 million users worldwide, I am but a mere David compared to the LinkedIn Goliath. For now, I have to learn how to live with LinkedIn and you do, too. But David prevailed long ago, so I’ll fervently hold my stance on this Facebook wannabe until the fall of LinkedIn arrives.

But also, who knows? LinkedIn might prove me wrong. If (emphasis on "if") that day comes, I will happily eat my words off a silver platter with a napkin tucked into my collar. Like acne, hopelessly defying my parents, and Justin Timberlake’s frosted tips, maybe hating LinkedIn is just a phase.