Rules of the Road

If you don’t live under a rock, there’s a 100 percent chance that you’ve been in a car. If you’re fortunate enough to have driven one, then the coming words may resonate with you.

To start off our time, here’s a brief resume of the long and arduous journey I have had with driving:

• I failed my first driver’s license test.
• Both of my car mirrors are attached by duct tape.
• Once, I locked my keys in my car while it was running. I biked to my parents’ house to get a spare. They didn’t have a spare.

I’m only 22, but I’m practically the Ghandi of all things driving-related. As a result of this sage wisdom, I have come to learn that the only true things in life are death and taxes and road rage.

Road rage is a universal truth; all of us have experienced it. There’s just something about getting behind the wheel that puts us on edge. If only we could just stick our heads out the window while we drive like dogs do.

As a self-proclaimed Guru of the Road, I’ve written a few mantras for you to live (and drive) by. They’re not as inspiring as the ones you find on Pinterest, but they’ll do.

Blink unto thee as you would have others blink unto you.

You don’t realize how annoying it is for someone to not use their blinker until you’re in the car behind someone that doesn’t. Sometimes, surprises can be a good thing. Not when you’re changing lanes.

Your brights are mightier than the sword.

Seriously. They’re super powerful. Like, they’re-actually-blinding-me-right-now powerful. If you’re alone on the road and want to light the entire western half of the United States, then be my guest. But when there’s another car your direction, give your lights a much-deserved break.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But keep your student drivers far, far away.

Don’t take this one too personally, student drivers. I feel your pain. The day I turned 16, my dad gave me the keys to his truck and told me to figure it out as I went. (No wonder I failed that first driver’s test.)

Don't do your makeup while you're driving.

This isn’t really a mantra, but it was just way too vital. I just had to get it out there. Once I was driving on a one-lane highway in the backroads of Florida behind a car with two girls inside. One girl was driving as slow as cold molasses and the other girl was doing the driver’s make up. What?! My car crawled along behind this chaos for upwards of a half hour. I’m telling you this story now so that you’ll never make the same mistake.

Parking speaks louder than words.

The way you park says a lot about your personality. If one day in an alternate universe I am blessed to have a boyfriend that is an exact replica of Ryan Gosling, but he can’t park in one space to save his life, he’s out. Ain’t no spark if you can’t park, honey. If you park on the line and fail to rethink your actions, then it might be time to reconsider your way of living.

Easy come, easy please just go. You have the right of way.

You know the feeling. It’s that moment when Car #2 (directly to your right) gives you the nod or the wave or the “go ahead” pointer finger. But you, the connoisseur of all roadside laws, know that Car #2 should be the first to go—so you give them the nod/wave/finger right back. The nod/wave/finger pattern repeats, and you both abruptly start and stop until someone decides it’s their time to go. Long story short: don’t be Car #2.

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These are just a few mantras in my laundry list of road rules to live by. Don’t even get me started on my mantras about four-way stops.

P.S. If someone knows the address of the person that created the four-way stop, let me know. I have a strongly-worded letter to send to them.