My Love-Hate Relationship With Floss

Flossing is bizarre.

What weirdo in the old-teenth century studied dentistry and said, “You know what would solve all of our problems with gums? Scraping them with a string.”

But somehow, it caught on. It got so trendy that apparently now we’re supposed to do it every day. But does anyone ever really floss that much?

Flossing is a pretty polarizing subject; either you love it or you hate it. I’m here to help us all find some middle ground. Flossing does suck—but maybe it’s not as bad as it seems.

Can’t live with it:
You’re supposed to floss once a day? Are you kidding me? There are hardly enough hours in the day for me to do work and school and extracurriculars and a social life, much less floss. I already have to brush my teeth twice a day—do you think I’m made of time? Adding a flossing routine on top of that makes getting ready for bed its own production.

Alas, we enter the paradox of flossing. Rated PG-13. Please excuse the thematic elements. 

If you barely ever floss, then when you finally do, your gums bleed. When your gums bleed, you don’t want to floss. Rinse and repeat.

Of course, my dentist tells me this all could be solved just by flossing on a regular basis. That’s easier said than done. Especially when you have a permanent retainer. With a wire glued to the back of your teeth, flossing is like doing a meticulous needlepoint project in your pie hole. 

It’s time-consuming, it’s grim, and it’s complicated. Most of the times, it seems like flossing causes more problems than it solves.

Can’t live without it:
If you’re from Nebraska like me, then there is no chance that you haven’t had corn on the cob before. Absolutely no chance. We aren’t called the Cornhuskers for nothin’.

And if you’ve ever had the pleasure of tasting a cob of sweet, buttery deliciousness, then you’ve also experienced this: getting corn stuck in between your teeth.

Somehow those li’l kernels lodge themselves deep in between your pearly whites. They become a part of you, like your personality quirks or that Hot Topic phase you went through in middle school.

You can solve this in one of three ways:

1. Try picking it out with your finger. You know how gross cats look when they lick their butts? Yeah, you’re getting there. I’m not sure if there are etiquette rules for shoving your hand in your mouth while still at the table, but there has to be something.
2. Try getting it out with a toothpick. Unless you have the aim of an Olympic-trained archer, this will probably not end well. If you don’t hit X marks the kernel with your toothpick the first time, then your gums are going to end up looking like a bunch of bloody Swiss cheese.
3. FLOSS, GLORIOUS FLOSS. Skip the hassle and go straight for number three—trust me. 

Other than breaking in to a fresh jar of peanut butter, there are few pleasures in life as satisfying as getting a corn kernel out of your teeth. I feel like a new woman. My teeth feel fresh and clean and divided. There’s nothing like it.

For as much as I mope and moan about having to floss, it really is great sometimes. But not all the time. For now, I’ll gladly stick to my once-a-month flossing regimen. Sorry, Doc.

The Chosen Few

Back when I was approaching high school graduation, I told my math teacher that I wanted to study journalism in college. He told me that was a waste of time.

Now, after four long years in higher education, I realize that he was right. I should have dropped the journalism pipe dream long before high school was over. In fact, I should have just ditched the whole college thing completely and pursued a more valuable career:

Stock photography modeling.

I’m telling you, those model homies don’t get near enough of the recognition that they deserve. 

You might think that stock photography modeling sounds like the easiest thing in the world, but that’s what they used to say about abstract art and now it’s all high and mighty. It’s only a matter of time until stock modeling gets there, too.

All the traits required of a stock photography model are, coincidentally, all the things that make stock models so great.

1. White teeth
If you have ever set eyes on a stock model’s teeth, then you know how they shine like blazing chariots of glory. Their mouth must be a sweet refuge for the tooth fairy. Each tooth is huge and symmetrical. How do they do it? Do you think they get them whittled down to look like that?

I built a lot of character in the six months that I wore headgear, but I would trade it all in if I could be born with teeth like that.

2. Great personality
Stock models are the zest of life; they’re always up to something different. Think about it. Whenever you see them, they’re either living it up with their picture-perfect squad or having the time of their life looking at their smartphone. 

They’re blank slates, always ready for the next adventure. As a stock model, you always have to be ready for something new. They have to model a photo for practically every Google search in existence, so versatility is not a foreign concept. If anyone knows how to spice things up, it’s a stock model for sure.

3. Soft hands
I never knew I could be so self-conscious about my hands until I laid eyes on a stock model’s. If you ever want to see a condemning contrast, just look for a stock photo of some hands and try to imitate it. Ten times out of ten, your attempt will look like you have catcher’s mitts for hands instead. On the contrary, stock models are au naturale—no hangnails, no nail polish, no reminder notes written on their palms. Just pure, five-fingered beauty. Their daily lotion regimen must be serious business. 

4. A sense of humor
Stock models have their fair share of fun, I just know it. Sometimes you’re searching for a picture of a banana and then you come upon something like this:

Seriously?! You stock model silly gooses. There’s never a dull day with you guys. Or, there are other times when you come upon photos like this one:

At first glance, you might roll your eyes at the stupidity of stock photography. Why the heck is this girl wearing virtual reality goggles on a bike? How can she see? What kind of bimbo thought this was a good idea?

I disagree. I think they purposefully share photos like this to throw us off their tracks. While we’re busy rolling our eyes, they’re laughing at us uneducated slobs. They’re just like Kim Kardashian; if we knew all their secrets to success, then we’d all be rich and famous.
__________

If I was a gambling woman, I’d bet that a stock model would be the one to bring you McDonald’s when you’re craving it long past midnight. If you have a friend like that already, hold them tight and never let go. If you don’t, then now’s the time to find yourself a stock model.

Dear Buzzfeed:

If Buzzfeed was a person, I would send them one of those packages in the mail that explodes with glitter when you open it.

On second thought, no I wouldn’t. As much as that would suck to clean up, you have to admit, it would be just a little awesome. Getting mail is always great. Unless there’s arsenic in it.

Once upon a time, in the land of flip phones and that weird dialup noise, good writing was commonplace. Investigative journalism took the main stage, and we didn’t have to worry about websites like Buzzfeed.

I’ve had a hearty chuckle at a Buzzfeed post here and there, but it’s become a bit monotonous lately.

This might be hard for you to accept, and that’s okay. Sometimes you have to choose your battles. And in this battle, I definitely wouldn’t fight on Buzzfeed’s side. Mostly because their battle cry would probably be something like, “IT’S LIT!”

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Have a taste of what a typical Buzzfeed article is like. (Warning: it tastes like Flintstones vitamins.)

THE ANATOMY OF A BUZZFEED LINK

The #TotallyRelatable Post

Welcome to this article! You probably got lassoed in here via a #TotallyRelatable headline like “38 Things You Did in Elementary School That You’ve Completely Forgotten About” or “12 Weird Things You Do If You’ve Been Best Friends Forever.”

(Critical point: having a number in the title is crucial. It doesn’t matter which number—there just has to be one. If I can’t measure the length of your article by a numbered list, then I won’t give it the time of day.)

Now for the good stuff:

1. Here’s a photo from Google.

Here’s a pointless explanation of exactly what’s happening in the photo, just in case you actually felt like reading.

2. Here’s a hilarious gif from Google.

There’s always a 50 percent chance it’ll be of Michael Scott.

3. Here’s another photo from Google.

Speaking of Beyonce...

4. In case you weren’t sick of them already, here’s another photo from Google.

Ten points to Gryffindor if you have a grammatical error in one of your captions.

That concludes this #TotallyRelatable post. Now Buzzfeed hypnotizes you or feeds you some special elixir so that you share it to the growing trash heap that is my Facebook newsfeed.

The Classic Buzzfeed Quiz

Welcome to this quiz! This time, you probably got lured in by a title like “Build the Perfect Taco Dinner and We’ll Reveal Your Best Trait” or “Can You Get 14/14 on This ‘Lion King’ Quiz?” Ah, the mystery and intrigue. Buzzfeed, you always leave us wanting more. 

1. NINE whole pictures from Google. Wow.

2. Some question involving pizza. There’s always a question that involves pizza.

And…drumroll please…your results! They’re #TotallyRelatable, of course. Cue the Buzzfeed magic elixir and voila! Another Buzzfeed link has found its home in my newsfeed.

__________

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Like all of my hilarious blog posts. Maybe one day, if we’re lucky, Buzzfeed will too.

God Bless America

The most American photo I could find on my laptop. Thanks, dad.

This may be the most political I’ve ever been on the Internet, so tread lightly. Quick poll for ya:

Which of these is the greatest nation in the world?
A. The United States
B. England
C. China
D. Texas

The correct answer I’m looking for is A, the great U.S. of A. We’re home to countless visionaries like Bruce Springsteen and Nickelback, so it’s pretty obvious that we have the right players on our side.

You could argue the same for England, since they’re led by an old lady that can pull off lime green suits. I’ll hand you a close second.

China manufactures virtually everything on the planet, but they’re lacking a certain je ne sais quoi that being the greatest nation on Earth requires.

Texas … well, that was a trick answer. Texas isn’t a nation. I don’t think that anyone loves Texas except for Texans. But in the “Don’t Mess With Texas” spirit, we’ll keep moving right along.

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s which country I know is at the bottom of the list: Switzerland. Whenever I hear someone ragging on the U.S., it’s because they’re usually talking about how great Switzerland is in comparison. They’re all about the effectiveness of Swiss banks or the Swiss education system or Swiss jails.

Let me be the first to say that Switzerland isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I could make up a million reasons why Switzerland is the scum of this earth, but you’ve all probably had enough of my rants by now. In the spirit of Buzzfeed (true journalism), I’ll give you a brief list.

• The Swiss flag. Who won in this edition of Who Wore It Best? The Red Cross, obviously.
• Swiss army knives. How the inventor probably thought of this: “Hm, how can I make the pocket knife better? Maybe I’ll add toenail clippers.”
• The Swiss Alps. Remember how the von Trapp family escaped to the Swiss Alps in The Sound of Music? That must’ve been a rude awakening. These hills are not alive with the sound of music.

My advice? Switzerland should take a hint from their Nordic cousin, Sweden.

As far as peacekeeping countries go, they have waaay more street cred. If you search Sweden on Google, the first result is accompanied by a description that reads, “Sun-kissed daffodils and snow on window sills.” I’m not sure if that line is amazing or incredibly irritating, but it’s gotta be better than anything Switzerland has come up with.

Sweden also has more Facebook likes. Take that for what you will.

It’s okay, though, Switzerland. We can’t all be a Sweden, much less a United States of America. That’s like trying to be a Regina George when we all know that you’re really just a Gretchen Wieners.