Failing Like a Boss

Life’s a whirlwind. We all have our plates full trying to check things off our to-do lists and keep up with day-to-day responsibilities. Sometimes it’s hard to forgive yourself when you don’t live up to your own requirements.

Give yourself a break today.

You wanna know the best way to exercise a little self-forgiveness? By attempting a Pinterest craft. Nothing will remind you that you’re a mere, imperfect human being like your unsuccessful Pinterest project can.

Pinterest crafts are elaborate, eye-catching, and exquisite. They’re the reason why women are attracted to Pinterest. They’re also the reason why most men wouldn’t touch a “pin” button with a ten-foot pole. I can imagine my brother saying it now:

“Kids’ snacks shaped like animals? What a waste of time.”

My brother and I have a lot of differences. He’s brown-haired and brown-eyed; I’m blond and have blue eyes. He’s buff; I have a nagging suspicion that the only muscles I possess are in the fingers that I use to text. My brother writes off Pinterest crafts like expired applesauce; I approach them head-on with fervor and dedication.

Whether you’re more like my brother or more like me is no matter, though. You don’t have to know much about Pinterest to know about these so-called “Pinterest fails.” I’ll put it into context for both types of people, just to make sure we’re all on the same page.

Pinterest fails from my brother's view:

• Searches Pinterest to find a Christmas gift idea for grandma.
• Settles on a DIY rustic twig picture frame. Easy enough, right?
• Frame requires use of a hot glue gun. What 20-something dude owns a hot glue gun? Not this one. Finds superglue in the garage. Uses that instead.
• Follows directions (kind of). Cusses a lot when superglue gets on fingers.
• Gift ends up looking more like an armored beaver dam than a dainty photo frame.
• Buys grandma a bird feeder for Christmas instead.

Pinterest fails from my view:

• Searches Pinterest to find a baby shower gift for a friend.
• Settles on a collection of hand-sewn pieces of food made out of felt. This newborn child is really going appreciate the effort, I just know it.
• Starts crafting. Sewing machine needle breaks. Quarter-life crisis ensues.
• Stays up for 96 consecutive hours finishing the felt-salad before the baby shower.
• Shows up to the shower looking like the Bride of Frankenstein. Present shows up looking the same way.

Either way, we can all agree that Pinterest fails are annoying. But maybe what’s more annoying is the unrealistic standard that Pinterest holds us to. Sorry, but no normal person must possess the skill to bake a cake that’s a scale replica of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. We should all be allowed to live in peace with our mediocre baking skills.

The DIY crafts you see on Pinterest are, for lack of a better term, works of art. Pinterest is Michelangelo. We are Jackson Pollock. Maybe Salvador Dali at best. But next time you fail at Pinterest, fail proudly. It’s all art in someone’s eyes.

Rules of the Road

If you don’t live under a rock, there’s a 100 percent chance that you’ve been in a car. If you’re fortunate enough to have driven one, then the coming words may resonate with you.

To start off our time, here’s a brief resume of the long and arduous journey I have had with driving:

• I failed my first driver’s license test.
• Both of my car mirrors are attached by duct tape.
• Once, I locked my keys in my car while it was running. I biked to my parents’ house to get a spare. They didn’t have a spare.

I’m only 22, but I’m practically the Ghandi of all things driving-related. As a result of this sage wisdom, I have come to learn that the only true things in life are death and taxes and road rage.

Road rage is a universal truth; all of us have experienced it. There’s just something about getting behind the wheel that puts us on edge. If only we could just stick our heads out the window while we drive like dogs do.

As a self-proclaimed Guru of the Road, I’ve written a few mantras for you to live (and drive) by. They’re not as inspiring as the ones you find on Pinterest, but they’ll do.

Blink unto thee as you would have others blink unto you.

You don’t realize how annoying it is for someone to not use their blinker until you’re in the car behind someone that doesn’t. Sometimes, surprises can be a good thing. Not when you’re changing lanes.

Your brights are mightier than the sword.

Seriously. They’re super powerful. Like, they’re-actually-blinding-me-right-now powerful. If you’re alone on the road and want to light the entire western half of the United States, then be my guest. But when there’s another car your direction, give your lights a much-deserved break.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But keep your student drivers far, far away.

Don’t take this one too personally, student drivers. I feel your pain. The day I turned 16, my dad gave me the keys to his truck and told me to figure it out as I went. (No wonder I failed that first driver’s test.)

Don't do your makeup while you're driving.

This isn’t really a mantra, but it was just way too vital. I just had to get it out there. Once I was driving on a one-lane highway in the backroads of Florida behind a car with two girls inside. One girl was driving as slow as cold molasses and the other girl was doing the driver’s make up. What?! My car crawled along behind this chaos for upwards of a half hour. I’m telling you this story now so that you’ll never make the same mistake.

Parking speaks louder than words.

The way you park says a lot about your personality. If one day in an alternate universe I am blessed to have a boyfriend that is an exact replica of Ryan Gosling, but he can’t park in one space to save his life, he’s out. Ain’t no spark if you can’t park, honey. If you park on the line and fail to rethink your actions, then it might be time to reconsider your way of living.

Easy come, easy please just go. You have the right of way.

You know the feeling. It’s that moment when Car #2 (directly to your right) gives you the nod or the wave or the “go ahead” pointer finger. But you, the connoisseur of all roadside laws, know that Car #2 should be the first to go—so you give them the nod/wave/finger right back. The nod/wave/finger pattern repeats, and you both abruptly start and stop until someone decides it’s their time to go. Long story short: don’t be Car #2.

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These are just a few mantras in my laundry list of road rules to live by. Don’t even get me started on my mantras about four-way stops.

P.S. If someone knows the address of the person that created the four-way stop, let me know. I have a strongly-worded letter to send to them.